Welcome!
We are so glad you are here!
Growing up I viewed myself as overweight and awkward. I had a continuous reel playing in my head each day that I was not smart enough, or skinny enough, or tan enough, or athletic enough, or pretty enough. Midway through my Senior Year something amazing and somewhat abnormal to what I thought could happen, happened. A single, attractive guy in his mid 20’s moved in across the street. My parents became friends with him and we began to include him into the family like a brother. I really only pictured him as a brother figure because I knew someone like him would never be interested in someone like me. But then, a week before Christmas I was given a present from him of a mix tape (the universal sign of affection back in the day) and a hand knitted scarf that he had his grandma knit with a note attached saying “Merry Christmas” and essentially expressing his interest.
I was so confused.
Here I was, still living with my parents and he was a College graduate who moved out on his own to California. Naturally I was shocked, but then super excited and jumped on the idea of dating him.
So, as a 17 year old I started dating my 24 year old neighbor. He would write me notes almost every day and I would read them in my photography class while my friends sat and listened to the dreamy, mesmerizing words that were on the page. I even visited his family in Chicago about two months into our relationship. When that boyfriend ended the relationship 3 months in by saying “I just don’t think I see a future with us” I was devastated but not surprised. I honestly believed it was a fluke that someone like him could like someone like me - an overweight, insecure girl. I already believed I wasn’t enough for his physical standards long term. He was stunning, tan, athletic, independent, mature, and obviously saw something in me I did not see in myself. Everyone told me the heartache would wear off with time but I continued to feel empty. The feeling I got from being desired by someone became something I craved. For years after High School it was easy to mask my insecurities with quick fixes from relationships, food, working out, shopping, you name it. I reveled in the instant gratification of those things because inside I was ashamed of myself in so many ways and never felt I was living up to my own expectations of who I should be.
As humans we experience a variety of attitudes about ourselves and perceptions about our identity that cause us to feel shame. Shame to an extent is a healthy human emotion that keeps us on track with our understanding of being sinners, but some shame we carry falls into a different category. The shame I am referring to is what John Bradshaw defines as toxic shame. “Toxic shame, the shame that binds you, is experienced as the all pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being. Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits, it is a state of being, a core identity.” Toxic shame says - “God, I do not believe I was created accurately, and I do not believe you have forgiven me and accepted me.” Toxic shame places this internal monologue of shame as our god by feeding off negativity and confinement of ourselves. It is a self focused god that keeps us hyper focused on our insecurities and shortcomings and robs us of our joy.
The toxic shame-ing of myself as a 17 year old turned into a 27 year old self who was still stuck in the same cycle. Each year the enough statements continued to morph into whatever new threshold society and my own community told me was where I needed to be in order to be loved. I was brought to a place where I relied more on my daily workout to make me feel good about myself than believing that God would continually sustain me in ways other people or things couldn’t. The last thing I wanted was for God to look at me knowing all of who I was and the choices I had made in order to seek approval- so I continued to falsely love and be loved in order to gain something, even if it only lasted for a moment. My god was approval and every day I was defeated by my inability to appease that god.
It has been quite a few years now and although I still battle fighting the lies in my head, I have grown in understanding where I should ultimately root my identity. It came from understanding that my version of fulfillment was not only unsustainable, but not the same type of love and fulfillment Christ talks about. The whole time I thought I was the main character in my story and in my story love was conditional, but God’s love for us is unconditional and in His story Jesus is the main character. However hard that may be to actually believe, it is all over the Bible. The bottom line is that we are sinners, we are imperfect and we are dependent on God. But even though we are all of those things Christ still died for us and because of His great love for us, we are accepted and valued, and worth far more that how we value our worth on a scale.
It is because of Christ that we are redeemed and able to look at ourselves not as ugly worthless screw-ups, but daughters of the King, and Saints! No amount of working out, eating clean, or striving to be perfect will increase or decrease God’s love for us - and his acceptance of us which is good news! Because of this good news we no longer are defined by how we or others view ourselves. Our identity comes from God’s view of us not our view of ourselves. It is because of Jesus that God sees us as beautiful and perfect and our definition of beauty and perfection comes from Him not from our perception or others perception of us. Just pause for a moment and really think on that statement before moving on…..Our marker for worthiness should come from God’s perception of us, not our perception of ourselves or societies perception. Gods perception of us never changes, even when our marker does. Doesn’t it take the pressure off a bit to think of yourself as already accepted and loved and deemed worthy? Maybe that isn’t much of a comfort to you yet, and that is why it is our job to help you work on trusting in God’s acceptance of you. To find God’s approval as your ultimate identity and not alternate ones. The question you ask yourself shouldn’t be am I worthy enough - because the Bible already says you are through Jesus. What you should be asking instead is, as a fully accepted daughter of the King, what can I be doing with my life to honor God? You should feel immense freedom in knowing that you are accepted and valued not by how healthy you are, or by how sinless of a life you can live. You are accepted because God chose you to be accepted and made you righteous because of the redeeming work of Jesus. From this we get the immense privilege of living our lives as image bearers of the King. We are the visible reflection of the unseen God, and as his images, he desires us to reflect His character and nature. One that is holy and reflects the fruits of the spirit.
So be freed sisters in knowing that we are not perfect, and the point of this program is not to become perfect, but to be the shapes and sizes that we think God is most glorified through. For some of you that might mean using this program to actually cut back on your normal rigorous and rigid workout routines if your spiritual health is being compromised. For others of you it might mean using this program to become more disciplined because you struggle with both spiritual and physical discipline. For others it might change depending on the season, or it might be a combination. You and your Christian Health Mentor (if you are going through this program with one) will be able to talk through where you currently are and the areas you are struggling. Wherever you are, the aim is to have your identity be rooted in Christ and through that grow in worshipping God through the way you take care of your body.
And lastly, to all these things, I pray that this 5 week study blesses you and allows you to grow in the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that comes from God alone. To Him be all the glory. Amen!
- Jaime Jacinto
Your Nourished Program Objectives:
LEARN: Grow in your understanding of the fruits of the spirit, and appropriately connect your spiritual and physical health in a way that glorifies God.
KNOW: Be able to answer the below questions about your identity:
Do I accept God’s love?
Do I live in a way that accurately represents God?
What makes me feel ultimately fulfilled as a person? What defines me?
DO: Daily work on your spiritual and physical health through our program model.
During the program- Have accountability & mentorship throughout the program that encourages you and helps you figure out appropriate spiritual, mental, and physical goals.
After the program- If desired, continue to use this model of whole living in your own life, and share this model with others as a means of discipleship & worship.