"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."
Romans 12:17-18
LEARN
Confrontation is hard, it's awkward, and it hurts. No wonder most people avoid it at all costs, but we can't avoid conflict; it's a part of life. The question is, when conflict arises how do we deal with it? Do you retreat/ avoid? Are you a full-fledged "let's hash this out now" kind of a person? Do you sit on it for a while then bring it up later? Do you bottle everything up until you explode? Maybe sometimes we all are a little bit of everything depending on the timing and how big the situation is.
As a mom it's easy to tell your kid, "Treat others as you want to be treated." But when it comes to practicing that myself it's a little trickier. I give excuses. I feel I have the right to respond a certain way or to be vengeful (even if it's in a more subtle way). The Bible is clear that vengeance belongs to the Lord and what I am supposed to do is be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). I am to be patient, to be kind and gentle, to forgive and to keep forgiving. Matthew 18:21-22 says, "Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times'."
Isn't it so difficult to swallow the fact that when we've been wronged over and over again we are still commanded to forgive? It doesn't feel fair when at times what you do in comparison is "not that bad." Well, one harsh realization that I've come to learn recently is that yes, I am "that bad." The intents of my heart are so wicked and I don't trust God in my relationships. I want to take matters into my own hands. My actions often show that I lack the belief that God is in control and that He is good no matter what the outcome of the situation is.
Forgiving someone does not mean you allow them to trample over you or keep hurting you. By no means. There is righteous anger when justice is compromised and the Lord is being misrepresented. Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry and do not sin..." At times we will get angry, but what I choose to do in my anger reveals the depths of my heart.
This is where putting the Word into practice comes into play. For instance, when my husband and I have disagreements we need to sort through, I have to make the choice: am I going to be bitter and secretly hold things against him until I can no longer hold it in then explode when something triggers my anger? Or will I prayerfully consider his side of the story, pray for him in my anger, and choose a time when we can both discuss things calmly and maturely? Many times I embarrassingly choose the former, but I’m trying, in the Lord’s strength, to choose the right timing and to speak in the right tone whenever I bring up that which is bothering me.
Resolving conflict requires humility on both ends. Whether it’s your spouse, your child, your boss, a co-worker, a friend or a family member, we must, in humility, hear their side without thinking about how to counter their argument as they’re speaking. It is difficult not to be defensive, but oh how freeing it is to affirm them and admit where I’ve been wrong and where I have failed. We always have room to grow, so there is always something we can change about ourselves. That gives the other person a sense of trust and respect. Now when it comes to bringing up offenses to the other person, we must, as best we can, not attack them, but lovingly show them what has hurt us and how it made us feel.
Lastly, tone and timing. You can say one thing and your tone and when you bring it up makes a HUGE difference in how the person receives it. It could be said two different ways, but if I want the person on the receiving end to actually listen and make a change, I have to be willing to make the change first. Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” If I come in hot and ready to fight, it’s pretty obvious where that argument will end up…with two very hurt and angry people who aim to get their point across at whatever cost. How much more quickly can an argument be resolved when we come into a situation prayerfully and calmly, with genuine humility, willing to hear the other person out? May we basque in the truth of God’s Word and trust Him when He says, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” (Matthew 5:8-9).
KNOW
Read Ephesians 4:31-32. Are there any areas in your life where you can be more tenderhearted, less angry, less bitter, more kind, or more forgiving?
Are you quick to give your side of an argument or are you willing to listen first then give a gentle response?
DO
Is there someone you need to confront about something but have been hesitant to do so out of fear or bitterness? Prayerfully bring up your concerns to the Lord and ask Him to give you the strength to humbly confront this person in love.
